What Have you been living?

By: Rev. Robert Vergeson D.D.

“Living a Lie”

Fifty years ago, I started living a lie, a lie that was perpetrated by professionals who believed what they said. They said that I would never mature to become a functional adult. My parents, based on this information passed on that lie and when I reached an age where I too, could believe that lie, I did. The lie was that I was retarded both physically and mentally as a result of an illness at 18 months of infancy. I believed that lie, I lived that lie and I dreaded that lie. In my heart I felt that I wasn’t retarded. Yet my living environment and those around me believed it. I had some very large issues with low-self esteem because I was a living lie.

By the time I was old enough to understand the concept of God, I hated God for allowing me to be retarded, and many times I would ask him in prayer to cure me of my physical and mental disabilities and when he didn’t, I asked for release from life. He refused and so I sought to take my own life. I hated everything around me, school, teachers who unfairly mistreated me, fellow classmates who would tease and taunt me, even my mother who I always thought couldn’t understand my needs. I even came to hate my own siblings for joining those who teased and taunted me. I lived in a world where being called a retard, or crooked face, describing my deformity, would push me into a realm of fantasy where I was better then the all them.

I was living a lie. I lived a lie that I was never going to amount to much, my school grades where based on this lie for nearly 6 years of schooling. By the time I was to enter the sixth grade I was being passed from grade to grade on failing marks. Notes from teachers that said that “We are passing Bobby on to the next grade in hope that the next teacher will have the time to deal with his special needs.” Another lie being lived by those who believe that the next teacher could do better. Yet the next teacher couldn’t do better and I suffered for the lie they lived. As my self-esteem become lower and lower, I harbored another lie in me that told me that they where right. I would never amount to anything in life, a sad reminder my mother would always say, “you will never amount to anything you will be just like your old man, a failure.”

This was one of her favorite lies when no matter what I did; I was compared to a standard my father set. She did not need to remind me of my father’s failures, I knew them first hand. He never was much of a father in my youth, committed adultery, and left my mother to raise 3 teen children. Another lie I was made to live. Lie after lie was I living, believing that I would never rise above my station. The depression I had as a youth deepened in my adult years where my low self esteem lead me to years of no employment, mental therapy, and suicide attempts.

Believing there is Hope

When does a person stop believing a lie, when does a person start believing there is hope. As a youth I often turned to a God I barely understood and a man I never really knew, Jesus Christ. When I finally realized that God was not going to allow me to die, I started asking him for that ray of hope. My first ray of hope came after I was passed on from the fifth grade and someone stopped the lie that I was retarded. This person was a complete stranger to me in the form of an Elementary School principal who didn’t believe in the lie. Through her recommendations, and intercession, I was placed in special educational classes where, the lie wasn’t believed. I repeated 3 grades and by the time I actually entered the sixth grade for the first time 3 years later, the lie that I was retarded was a myth. It was a struggle repeating 3 grades and being behind those my own age. And when I entered the Sixth grade, I still had not learned to read at an efficiency that would improve my grades above being below average.

The lie was festering in me again and that ray of hope was fading. I realized that by the time I graduated from high school I would be 21 or so, if I ever made it that far. As I went from a youth to an teenager and on into being a young adult the years of believing a lie compounded many times in my life. Yet, I held on to whatever ray of hope I could find. Living this lie prevented me from realizing the truth regarding God. Once this lie was planted in me, I was being robbed of any happiness in life and the knowledge that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

John 3 21 “But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God.” As long as I believed I in the lie, and lived the lie, I was forever kept in the dark about God. As long as I believed that I was retarded, I was retarded. As long as I believed I was like my worthless father, I was worthless. As long as I believed that God didn’t care, I didn’t care. As long as I believed that I would never amount to nothing, I was nothing. Therefore I lived many years as a youth and well into my adult life facing depression, suicide attempts, unemployment, low self-esteem, and making all the wrong choices in life. I spent several times in jail for the most stupid activities as a young man. And after my third jail term, I learned what those lies where and who was the breeder of those lies.

As a child I had introduction to church live, mostly on a voluntary basis. My parents did not attend, nor did they prevent me from attending. I choose looking for something, some peace, some escape from my tormentors, and answers as to why an almighty God would allow the things to happen to me. Often in my despair and after a troubling day running from those tormentors, I would ask God to do something, and just as often, when the next day nothing changed, I would then ask God to let me die in my sleep as my only escape from the hell I was living in. And when I would awake the next morning alive, I was bitter toward God for allowing me to live. I was bitter and hateful to those who tormented me daily and a great rift between my mother and family was created because I blamed them for not understanding.

Made Aware

As a youth I was made aware of Sin, and every day of my youthful life I was a sinner because I wanted to die. Romans 7 18 “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.” The lie I was living was preventing me from reaching a relationship with Christ and the lie kept me in a sinful life and made it nearly impossible for me to redeem myself with God. Ephesians 1 7 “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.” My sins where both of the body and mind, I sinned against God by believing that I was worthless, a sin of the mind, and my attempts to kill myself where lies that told me I was worthless and not worthy to live, a sin of the body to destroy the temple of God.
1 Corinthians 3 17 If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are. And sins of the flesh ruled my daily thoughts and led me down paths of immoral and carnal acts. All because I believed a lie that I was worthless, lies that started at my birth, lies others labeled me, and lies that my own low-self esteem bred in me. It wasn’t until a visiting Pastor came to my jail cell did I learn who was the originator of these lies (Scripture 5). John 8 44 " You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” I was not the creator these lies, I was only the vessel for these lies, and until I empty that vessel of those lies and filled it with the love of Christ.

Mark 2 22 "No one puts new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the wine will burst the skins, and the wine is lost and the skins as well; but one puts new wine into fresh wineskins." I needed to become a new man putting aside the old cloak of sin and putting on the armor of God. Ephesians 4 22-24 “that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.”

Finding the Right Weapon

Ephesians 6 10-17 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, 15 and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; 16 in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

And I learned that as long as I wanted to believe that lie, then the lie would continue to fester and destroy my hope. Titus 1 2 “in the hope of eternal life, which God, who cannot lie, promised long ages ago,” After that Pastor left my cell, I opened up a bible that was left in the cell. It was a torn and well-worn tomb and since my soul was imprisoned in a tomb of lies it was a welcomed friend in my misery. For the first time I read the bible cover to cover and for the first time I was getting a better understanding of who was planting these lies and what I needed to do to about them. I had to apply Scripture to my life and take the “ultimate step”. If there is a command to be obeyed, I had to obey it.

John 3 36 "He who believes in the Son has eternal life; but he who does not obey the Son will not see life, but the wrath of God abides on him.” If there was a promise to be embraced I had to embrace it and lay hold of it. Hebrews 10 36 “For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.” If there is a warning to be followed, I had to heed it, for did we not read in Jude 1 the history of the ungodly and were we not warned, least we follow the ungodly. Jude 1 1 “Jude, a bond-servant of Jesus Christ, and brother of James, To those who are the called, beloved in God the Father, and kept for Jesus Christ: 2 May mercy and peace and love be multiplied to you. 3 Beloved, while I was making every effort to write you about our common salvation, I felt the necessity to write to you appealing that you contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all handed down to the saints. 4 For certain persons have crept in unnoticed, those who were long beforehand marked out for this condemnation, ungodly persons who turn the grace of our God into licentiousness Living a lie and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ. The ultimate step was I had to submit to scripture and let it transform me.

Romans 122 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. I had to accept Christ in my life. I was reborn again in that cell, knowing what Christ had done for me, and the price he paid for my sins (Scripture 14-15). John 16 24 " Until now you have asked for nothing in My name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be made full. First Timothy 1 15 It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all.

Holding to the promise

Now we all know what promises we make when in prison and unless we are sincerely repentant and allow Scripture to transform us, prison religion last only as long as you are confined behind bars. Once we are out, we soon forget what we had promised. I regret I was no different then most. Yet, I did carry with me one thing that I took with me from that jail cell, hope. Hope that I could defeat the lies that I had grown up with. God does not tell us that our transformation will happen overnight. Acts 14 22 strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying, " Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God."
1 Corinthians 15 58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.

1 Peter 510 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

1 Corinthians 1013 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. Though it may seem at times that we are at the end of our rope, God does give us a way out, nor does he make us suffer more then we can endure. Even though we may think we suffer beyond our limits, God does give us strength. Faith is how we walk and regardless of the trials and tribulations we may still face, we know that our faith in God will lead us through these trials and tribulations.

Seek and you shall find I had to learn where this faith came from. I had to seek the Word of God for my strength and walk a walk of faith. Yet like a newborn babe we need be reborn again as babes taking the word of God as milk and in time we shall mature, eating the word of God as meat. Hebrew5 12-14 For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. 13 For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. 14 But solid food is for the mature, which because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.

Now I would like to say that my transformation was smooth and seamless and the years that followed where without struggles. I would like to say that God blessing poured like rain on my head. Because of the lies that I grew up with, my walk was hindered by thorns and pebbles that turned to boulders, to cause me to stumble. 2 Corinthians 12 7 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself! I fight daily with depression and low-self esteem issues.

With every gain I made in my relationship with God, the lies grew stronger in me. For the originator of these lies does not want me to have an honest and pure relationship with God. He knew that once I turned over completely my transformation and surrendered completely to God. The lies would forever be erased to have no power over me. Acts 26 18 “to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me.’ I stand here today to tell you that the lies of my youth, the lies that have crippled me emotionally and robbed me of a loving relationship with God are no more. I refuse to believe in them anymore. I give no power over them to ruin my life, nor rob me of my ministry with God.

When has a youth, when finally in the sixth grade after repeating 3 grades, I finally learned to read improving my grades slightly? I was robbed of my blessing by lies that said it was nothing. Therefore I allowed my self-esteem to falter. When in High School when I was able to skip my junior year and graduate earlier then planned. I was robbed of my blessing by lies that said it was nothing, you are still a retard. Therefore I allowed my self-esteem to falter once again. And when I was baptized, I was robbed of my blessings by lies that said it meant nothing, because I will always be a sinner. Lies that kept me in depression both of the mind and the spirit.

When I was married, I was robbed of the blessings God wanted for us as a couple in his church by the lies that I was not worthy for this women. I was divorced. And when I was in ministry, serving Gods homeless and hungry, I was robbed of my blessings, by believing lies that I was above all else. I lost my ministry to these lies. When I lost my mother to the Lord, and because of the lies that others said I was the cause of her death (her older brother); all the years of trouble I had caused her since my birth. I was robbed of any blessings knowing that she had received the Lord in her later life and through her walk and mine we had learned to forgive the bitterness between us. A mother who never once gave into those who tried to convince her that I would have been best if I were put into an institution those many years ago. I lived these lies until I had reached my lowest point in life.

Months after my mothers death, I sat in a tent in a small campsite, homeless, jobless and desperate. At age 42 I was ready to die believing that I caused my mothers death and that my uncle was right. For four days I slept in that tent in a drugged stupor, rejected and abandoned by my family, angry at my God, my tent ravaged by the fury of summer storms more lies all was safe from harm. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. Then that final morning, the storms broke and the sun shown brightly on a new day. The lies were over, the storm was past, and never again was I going to live the lies of the great deceiver.

The Race Continues

And two years later, I entered college to redefine my course in life, I proved that the lies of my birth that I was retarded and would never become a productive adult, were wrong when diligently and with a CPA of 3.5 earned my Associate in Applied Science. I was inducted into the Phi Theta Kappa honor society and made the National Deans list, proving not only to myself the lies where wrong, but proving to the originator of these lies that he can no longer convince me that I was retarded or that I was that kid who run from the teases and taunts of his youth. One by one, the lies have been defeated and my self-esteem issues are better to deal with. I have a clearer understanding of Gods plans for me and why he allowed me to run this gauntlet and win victory over the lies of my youth, 1 Corinthians 924 “Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize. Run in such a way that you may win.”

Once we defeat these lies whether they be lies of thievery, carnal thoughts and actions, drugs or alcohol, mental illness, or low-self esteem we can receive our blessings from God as he intended for us. Once we deny the devils hold on us, we can have victory over his lies. And the biggest lie is that God is nothing and we are nothing to him. I beg to differ with you. God is everything to us and we are everything to him, for did he not give his only son unto death for our sins. And through the word of God, which is infallible and does not contradict itself, if there is a command to be obeyed, we are to obey it. If there is a promise to be embraced we are to embrace it and lay hold of it. If there is a warning to be followed, we are to heed it and that means refuse the lies of the devil. And the ultimate step is to submit to scripture and let it transform you.

Roman 8 38 “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Amen.

The Great Deceiver Lives

We must believe in the lies that the great deceiver tells us for him to have power over us. Break this chain of deceit, and we have victory over his lies, and our life will suddenly be of less interest to him. Yes, we must realize that whatever the lies are, whatever the sin, or mental or physical condition the limitations we believe, if we allow them to become lies, we are in chains created by Satan. The person who is confined to a wheelchair and is told he or she will never amount to nothing, never walk again, and believes in this, will never realize God’s gift to them. How often have you heard or seen a testimony about a person who did walk out of that chair because they believed they could and they broke the chains of lies that kept them in that chair.

How many times have your been told about a person who overcame the greatest trails and tribulations to succeed where others failed. Why is this so when we face the years and years of struggles just trying to stay above the waters of our despair. Why do others succeed where we fail? The secret to their success is that they knew their enemy, who the great deceiver is, and what weapons he uses to defeat you. The greatest of these weapons is a very simple lie, the lie that we are worthless to ourselves, to others, and to God. Our greatest weapon against the deceiver is God. The Truth of His Word, the presence of his Love, and the sacrifice of his Son for the salvation of our souls.

The deceiver does not what is to believe in the truth of God’s Word, nor does the deceiver what us to grow closer to God’s love and the faith that grows with knowing God. When we pray daily, we rattle the chains the deceiver may have on us. Thus he strengthens his battle against us. When we fail to resist his efforts, when we feel those chains tight against us, the deceiver wins his battle, confident and prideful that he has won. He then walks away knowing that as long as we feel the chains around us, we belong to him. That is when you feel the less pull from him because he has told us a lie that we are his. Yet, when we are continues in prayer to God, we weaken those chains, and when we walk in Christ daily, we destroy those chains. The lies are destroyed, and the link the deceiver has to us is gone and once they are gone, we can reach our full potential and gain the promise God has given us. Nothing is impossible to those who walk with Christ and to those who have God’s promise firmly entrenched in their lives.

Battle Prayer

(Open first in prayer inviting God into your daily life….) ”God I invite you to walk with me daily, to share the rising sun with me, put your loving arms around me, protecting me from the harsh reality of this world and turn deaf my ears to the lies of the great deceiver. Lord greet my day with rays of hope, and guide my daily routine with success in whatever I do. Temper my pride with humility, gird my heart with compassion and wisdom to know what is righteous in your eyes. Lord open my mind to your word, give me understanding and direction in my walk, share my life in fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Armor me against evil thoughts, and desires, make be battle ready to defeat my enemy the great deceiver, to resist his lies, and believe not his word.

God I invite you to lift my eyes up toward heaven in prayer daily, asking not for vain and silly things, but seeking that which will sustain my life, that which will give me strength in my daily battle against all evil. Lord, grant me this day respite from worldly thoughts, give me peace of mind that I am a child of God worthy of all good things my Father desires for me. Lead me not into temptation, nor weakness of the flesh, for I honor thee Lord, my God, my Father in heaven in all that I do. Give me this day my daily bread, the Word of God to feed me, to strengthen my walk in Christ. Lord give me a daily desire to know thy word, to know thy love, and to understand the meaning of thy love. For though this wisdom will have I have the strength to defeat the lies I live.

(Close your prayer inviting the Holy Ghost to protect your day and night…”In the name of the Father, the Holy Ghost, and our beloved Jesus Christ, I shall walk in light, protected from dark lies and perils. Under the Blood of the Lamb, the sacrifice God gave of his Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, I giver power from above over me to protect me from all evil. In the name of all that is holy, protected by the blood of the Lamb, be gone Satan from my life, your truths are lies, and your lies are death, for I seek life in Christ, salvation of my sins, forever more. Amen.

Then believe with all your heart and soul you are a child of God. Fiver years after this testamony was put to print, I continue my walk with Christ, and my constant battle against lies the enemy continues to throw at me. However, like trying to knock over the milk bottles at a carnival booth, I resist tumbling over and rob the enemy of his prize daily. God is a great stablizer and when He puts you upright and faithful to your walk, no lies are going to knock you down.

“Living a Lie” is a personal testamony first written in 2001 based on the trials and tribulations of Robert D. Vergeson.

Article Source: http://www.religionarticlelibrary.com

Rev Robert is an associate member of the Universal Life Church (since 1979) and founder of God’s Temple of Grace Ministry Website at www.geocities.com/revdocrobert. The website offers bible studies and personal testimony. Visit www.todayschurch.blogspot.com for additional written material by Rev Robert. Drop a line at RevdocRobert@yahoo.com and let him know your comments.

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